Something really funny happened today. Not funny like when Gunston is napping and falls of the bed, but funny like that time Daddy was sick and I had to stay at Grandma's! and I didn't know what was going on.
It started a couple of weeks, or minutes, ago. The Dark Gray Cat was throwing up. That's pretty normal for Dark Gray Cat and awesome for Gunny and I because cat throw-up is an underappreciated delicacy. And we were getting a lot of it. I guess it was also good for Dark Gray Cat because he stopped being so fat which meant Daddy quit calling him Fatboy.
Anyway, the Female was gone all last week and it was awesome because I got Daddy all to myself, but the Dark Gray Cat kept throwing up. And yesterday the female took him to the vet and while she was there Daddy came home and then rushed right back out to the vet. Then the Female, Daddy and the Dark Gray cat all came home, but the Female was acting all weird. She was all snotty like she had allergies but she wasn't sneezing. And she seemed really sad.
Daddy explained to me that the Female was sad because the Dark Gray Cat was going to go to sleep tomorrow. And I was all, shows how dumb the Female is because I'm going to sleep tonight and there's nothing to be sad about! Daddy and the Female let the Dark Gray Cat sleep with them in their bed, and I thought maybe that was why the Female was sad because even though it has been a while since I slept with the Dark Gray Cat, I remember he was kind of annoying to sleep with.
In the morning I expected the Female to be happier because she wouldn't have to sleep with the Dark Gray Cat anymore, but she was still upset. So I told her to snap out of it. I mean, seriously -- the cat sleeps 23.5 hours a day. If you're going to be this sad about it we should stock up on Kleenex.
And then I learned that there are two different kinds of sleep.
See, there's sleeping, which you do every day and every night, where you flop down wherever you are, snore, fart and dream of rabbits but wake right up because Daddy is home or there is food to steal or because in your dream the rabbit you were chasing grew really big and had horns and was chasing YOU.
The other sleeping means you're broken and can't be fixed. The Female asked me if I remembered when I got really, really happy and wagged my tail so hard I smashed it into the corner of the wall and it broke. And I was all, Duuuurrr, I'm not stupid, of course I remember breaking my own tail. I've only done it three times. But when it was broken, it just hung there all sad and wouldn't wag and hurt a lot. The Female said the same thing happened to the Dark Gray Cat.
That kind of confused me, because if anyone had smashed the Dark Gray Cat into the wall, I am pretty sure I'd know about it because the Female would have killed whoever did it and she'd be in jail and I'd have Daddy all to myself.
The Female explained that the Dark Gray Cat got broken on the inside, in his kidney beans. Only no one knew about it because you can't see broken kidney beans like you can see a broken tail unless you look inside the Dark Gray Cat and no one wants to do that because ew, cat breath.
But because no one knew the Dark Gray Cat's kidney beans were broken, they kept getting more and more broken until no one could fix them. The Female said the Dark Gray cat was in a lot of pain, and the best thing for him was to stop the pain, so he was going to be put to sleep. That's the other kind of sleep. He won't get to dream of rabbits (or submarines, or what ever the hell cats dream of), but he will get to go to heaven where he'll get to see Wizard.
Then I was pissed. Because I really wanted to see the new Harry Potter movie too, and the Female wouldn't take me and spoiled it by telling me Snape kills Dumbledore, and if there are free showings in heaven, buy me a bus ticket. But the Female was talking about a different Wizard.
That's when I learned a lot about the Female and the Dark Gray Cat. It turns out that they knew each other for a long, long time -- like 15 minutes, or 20 years. The Female told me that she knew the Dark Gray Cat -- who, get this! is named Newton. Who knew cats had names? -- before she knew Daddy. Which means she knew Newton before time began.
The Female and Newton moved in together right after the Female finished college (that's like obedience school for people, but there's beer and wine coolers). Newton was just a baby and the Female got him at an animal shelter and took him home. Newton had two secrets: the first one was that he had ringworm and was going to give it to the Female and her friend Meghan. The other secret was that he was going to make sure that the time they spent together was wonderful.
It turns out I didn't know a lot about Newton -- like his name. But I also didn't know that he liked to swim. When he had ringworm the Female had to give him baths, and to make it fun for him she'd put tuna in the water, and he'd paddle around and eat it (they don't even let you do that at Elisabeth Arden). So that's why he always liked water and would hang out in the shower. I don't think that explains why Newton used to watch Grandpa shower, but really, nothing explains that.
Newton moved from Virginia to Delaware with the Female -- it was just the two of them and they shared an apartment. It was the first time the Female had lived without another human, but Newton made it okay. And the Female was in Graduate School (which is like EXTRA obedience school because she is DUMB) and Newton helped her with that by sitting on whatever book she needed to read and walking across her computer keyboard.
And get this! Our house in Delaware? The Female and Newton bought it together -- they still hadn't met Daddy yet. But with Newton's help the Female got all her money together. Newton was two and she was 24, and they were home owners. I'm four and I only have a collar, a leash and two balls. Gunny has no balls. Heh.
Newton helped the Female run marathons. A marathon is a really long walk. It's so long that you have to practice for it, and you have to practice for it by talking lots of shorter walks as fast as you can. I always thought I was the Female's personal trainer since I take her running, but Newton always made sure she stretched, and would help her stretch by clawing at her feet. Then she'd have to stretch down and swat him away.
While it was just them in Delaware, they had lots of adventures. Since the Female didn't have Daddy to come home to, she'd go out a lot at night and when she got home Newton would transform into his alter-ego: Drunk Cat. Drunk Cat is vengeance in cat form. For every drunk person the Female messed with in college, Drunk Cat would mess with her while she was drunk in Delaware. One time, Drunk Cat took it too far. The Female was drunk and Drunk Cat kept hopping on her stomach. So she went to the bathroom and started to throw food in the toilet WITH HER MOUTH. And Drunk Cat was all "Stop wasting food!" and jumped in front of her and the food went all over him.
Did you know humans can throw up too? That was the last time Newton played Drunk Cat.
The night the Female met Daddy she went home and told Newton all about him. When he called her up and asked her on a date, she was petting Newton. And when the female figured out that she loved Daddy, she told Newton before she told Daddy.
When Daddy and the Female brought me home, the Female says Newton was pissed. I can't imagine why.
But the Female felt so bad about getting me that she convinced Daddy to go get Newton a friend -- that's why we got the Light Gray Cat. Newton and the Light Gray Cat were pretty good buddies, but I still think he liked the Female best. And she's a bad enough person to admit that, even though you're supposed to love all your pets the same, Newton was always the most special to her, because he helped her grow up so much. And last week the Female turned 30, so it's kind of fitting that Newton leave now, even though she wishes more than anything that he could be around for the next phase of her life. But, every time she thinks back on what it was like to be just starting out, and having a world of possibilities open before her, she'll think of him.
Anyway, Newton and the Female know a whole bunch of pets I've never even met (they don't know Marley -- I asked). Like they know this dog, Norman, who used to live with Grandma! but did the special sleep and is in heaven, and this other cat, Wizard, who Newton liked to imitate when he was little. It is hard to imagine a little Newton.
The Female says that they are going to be up there in heaven together, and if I ever get broken on the inside (which won't happen for a really long time) Newton will introduce them to me. So that'll be cool. And we'll all hang out there, eating steak and tuna and playing until Daddy and the Female get there. Then we'll all be together forever and go swimming everyday.
But it's okay to be sad until then, because it will be a while until we'll see Newton, and we'll miss him.
So, goodbye Newton the Dark Gray Cat. Thank you for not being too mean to me when I was a puppy. The Female isn't my favorite person, but I know she was yours so Gunny and I will look out for her until we meet up. Until then, please do not eat all the steak.
