Dog Debate

Today is a historic day for dog bloggers everywhere (or just me) because today we are going to talk politics. A couple of weeks (or two hours) ago, the Female bought Gunny and me these buttons.

They are awesome! You can get ones just like them at thedogcoatlady's store on etsy. Anyway, I wore my button proudly, but as soon as the Female left the house, Gunny took his off. And he doesn't have thumbs, so that took some doing. It turns out Gunny doesn't like Obama—Gunny thinks John McCain should be president! Gunny also thinks the rubber red bone is his (AND IT ISN'T), but that's a different blog post.

Gunny and I have been fighting about politics ever since, and to resolve it, we decided to have a debate on the Dookie Patrol blog. When we asked the Female if we could have a debate on the blog, she said something about how two dogs debating politics could only raise the level of discourse in Smith County, and then she compared arguing on the internet with running in the Special Olympics, but I forgot exactly what she said. Anyway, the Female is weird, as usual, but she said we could. Here's the first internet presidential debate with canine surrogates. I get to go first.

Why I think Barack Obama Should Be President

By Dyna Anne Deaton

There are a lot of things wrong with the country today. People are looking at their 401(k) statements the same way they look at piddle stains on the carpet. And like people who have piddle on their carpet, they are looking from dog to dog, trying to assign blame, even though ONE dog hasn't peed on the carpet for YEARS and only did it that one time because she was really, really sick and didn't know that the house was being put on the market the next day. The other dog, however, just peed on the floor in front of the people a few days ago. Don't be fooled—if you want to know who caused your problems, look to the dog who most recently peed on the floor. That dog is the Republican Party, and John McCain answers to that dog.

Now, they don't want to just pee on the floor, they want to do twosies on it too. Barack Obama is about change. Not just changing where we pee, but about good change that will benefit the most people and their dogs.

I support Barack Obama because his healthcare plan will help people who can't get health insurance. I understand that because I don't have health insurance, and it is really expensive every time I go to the doctor, even if all they do if shove a thermometer up my butt. But people need thermometers shoved up their butts too, and that costs a lot of money. The Obama health plan would be very good for human puppies because it would get more of them health insurance, and that's good because I remember going to the vet a lot when I was a puppy and that was not cheap.

Even though Obama isn't all that experienced, he is very smart. He went to a good school (though not as good as my obedience school) and he worked really hard while there and went to a good law school too. He was smart enough to pick Joe Biden to be Vice President. I love Joe Biden because he is from Delaware and I am from Delaware too. Delaware gets no respect, but if Joe Biden were Vice President, maybe people would quit pushing Delaware around and complaining about the tolls they charge there when there is a PERFECTLY SIMPLE route through Newark that avoids the tolls and if you weren't so lazy, you wouldn't have to pay another toll in Delaware EVER, so SHUT YOUR YAP.

I make under $250,000 a year, so my taxes won't go up in an Obama administration. Also, Barack sounds kind of like "bark" so you know he is pro-dog.

I am also worried that if Sarah Palin because vice president she would start aerial hunting of Labradors. I am also worried that a McCain administration would infringe on abortion rights. I am lucky to have been a wanted Labrador, but there are a lot of puppies who are born just to end up in shelters and if a dog doesn't want to have a litter of puppies she shouldn't have to. We need to protect her right to sell those puppies or not to have them at all—especially since dogs can't buy condoms.

Finally, he doesn't say it, but I know Obama supports gay rights and that means maybe one day if people let gay people get married they could think about letting dogs marry people and then I could marry my Daddy, Barack Obama would be president, and life would be perfect.

Why I Think John McCain Should be President

By Gunston Theodor Shultz

No presidential candidate has sacrificed as much for his country as John McCain has, that means John McCain has done a lot of hard stuff and he's done it all for the country, not himself. As a military veteran, I applaud and respect John McCain and know he has the leadership skills to take the U.S. through this hard time, that means he'll tell us what to do and be right about it.

Okay, Mommy just reminded me that even though everyone calls me Gunny, I am not serving, nor have I ever served in the military. Just because I am named after a Gunnery Sergeant doesn't mean I am a Gunnery Sergeant. I forget that sometimes because at my heart I know I am a DEVIL DOG and ready to GET SOME, SEMPER FI!!!

Anyway, Barack Obama has a lot of ideas about what he can do for the country, and what the country can do for you. That is wrong. He wants to take stuff away from hardworking dogs and give it to dogs that don't work as hard. Like if there is a red rubber bone and you want that bone, you have to go get it, even if it means fighting for a really long time with a certain Labrador and waiting until you have a 30 pound weight advantage over her to just take the bone. That's what America is about: getting bigger and stronger than everyone else then using that to take whatever you want. But even if you won that bone fair and square in an epic game of tug, Obama wants to walk right in and take that bone and give it to the Labrador just because she's smaller than you and because that somehow makes the game of tug unfair. Let me tell you, the rubber bone isn't the only thing that's red in that scenario. Obama will take bones from big dogs and give them to little dogs and that's COMMUNISM.

John McCain understands the best way to make the economy work is to get out of the way and let businesses create jobs. It's like this: if the people make money, then they buy food and bones and leashes and balls for dogs and then it's like the dogs have some of that money too. If the government steps in and taxes the people's money then they will have less money to spend on their dogs, or worse the government might start telling people what kind of dogs they can have or what kind of food they can give the dogs and then the people will buy less stuff for the dogs and it will be like no one has any money. If you let the people keep their money, it will trickle down to the dogs and that will grow the economy.

Barack Obama doesn't even HAVE a dog, so I don't know why Dyna thinks he is pro dog. I heard he is allergic to dogs.

Barack Obama won't keep the country safe, that means he will let our enemies attack us because he is weak and people will think we are all weak too. He says he will sit down and talk to Iran. Everyone knows that if someone is making you mad you don't talk to them---you show them who is boss. Like there are these dogs who are always coming into my yard and pooping and I don't talk to them. I would go and mess those bitches up if only the U.N. (or Mommy) would let me and so you know that John McCain wouldn't let Iran poop in our yard and if he caught Iran pooping in our yard he'd go right out, leash or no leash, and fix them.

So if you want to keep your bones and not have Iran poop in your yard, vote John McCain.