Gunny's First Post

Dyna is on punishment and so Mommy said she can't write on her blog so I get to write on her blog. That's what happens when you are a BAD DOG. You get put on punishment and can't do the things that you like to do, but I was a good dog and get to do the things I like to do because I was not a BAD DOG. Being a BAD DOG means that you did something you weren't supposed to do, like eat from the kitty liter box or the counter or nomming on one of Mommy's shoes or running away or pooping upstairs and trying to hide the evidence by eating it, but forgetting you ate the poop and licking Mommy so she knows you ate it anyway. Sometimes not doing what you ARE supposed to do also makes you a BAD DOG like if you are supposed to be sleeping and decide to lick your privates really loudly for 45 minutes. Licking your privates doesn't make you a BAD DOG all the time but it does if you are supposed to be sleeping.

So far I like Texas. I don't like it as much as I like cheese, but I like it more than I like bread. In Texas, there are many things that are different from Virginia. That means they are not the same. In Texas, Mommy is home all day and I like that a lot because it means that I am not left alone with Dyna who only watches bad shows on TV like Judge Joe Brown and never lets me pick what shows we watch. I love Mommy but sometimes I wish she wasn't at home because when she is home she is working and that means we can't have the TV on and so I don't get to watch any shows at all and that is worse than watching Judge Joe Brown.

Another thing that is different in Texas is that my Grandma and Grandpa are not in Texas and I don't see them so I miss them. When you miss someone it means you wish they were there because they give you steak or because you like knocking them down or because they scratch your ears and when they are gone you want them to do that stuff but they can't because they are not with you.

In Texas, these dogs keep coming into my yard. I don't like that. It's MY yard. I share with Dyna because she is my sister and Mommy says I have to and I love my Mommy so I do what she says. Except when I see another dog in my yard I don't do what she says because she tells me to be quiet and come in and I don't. That doesn't mean I stop loving her it means I want that other dog out of my yard and they should stay out because its mine and I forget about doing what Mommy says because the other dog isn't listening to me. Like today this dog came into my yard and pooped and that made me mad because I had just gotten the yard to smell the way I like it which means it smelled like ME.

I was really mad and needed to go out and fix the yard and I thought I might fix the other dog too but my mommy is smart and knew that I shouldn't try and fix the other dog and I know that too but it's just that they make me so mad sometimes I forget to listen to Mommy. So when I needed to go out Mommy put the big super long leash on me so I would stay close and not go fix that dog because when you try and fix another dog you are actually being a BAD DOG (even if the other dog was bad FIRST) and you will get IN TROUBLE.

I went out and fixed the yard but when I came back in the leash got tangled in the outdoor table which is the table Mommy and Daddy eat at when they eat outside and the leash got tangled on it because the leash is like a million feet long even though it doesn't actually have a feet. The leash got tangled and that made the table move and when the table moved it made a scary sound like SSCHHHHHRRRRRRCHHHHHHHH and that scared me so I ran but that made the table move more which made it go SSSSSSSCCCCCCCHHHHHHRRRCHHHHHHH more and that scared me so I ran more and the table went SSSCHHHHHHHHHRRRRCCCCCHHHHHH and then Jesus showed up.

I never actually saw Jesus, but Mommy started yelling "Gunny! Jesus Christ! JESUS CHRIST!" and that got my attention because people in Texas love Jesus but I never met the guy and I'd like to because he is supposed to be really great and Texans love him so much I thought he must go around handing out cookies or playing ball or building Ferris wheels. But I didn't see Jesus and that made me sad, but the scary noise stopped and that made me happy, so I don't know if Jesus was scared by the scary noise and ran away or if he stopped it. I think he must have done something to the table because by then it and a few of the chairs were off the patio and into the yard like they were coming after me and maybe Jesus stopped them or threw them across the yard to get the noise to stop. Next time I am in the yard I am going to look more closely for Jesus because I would like to say hello unless he is in my yard because it is MY YARD and he shouldn't come into it and make it smell like Jesus unless he wants me to fix him.

Photo Essay: Light Gray Cat

On Saturday night, Daddy and the female went to Dallas to see Dave Matthews banned. I don't know who Dave Matthews is or what he did, but it must be something pretty bad if the female wants him banned. She is all about free speech. But start barking when she's on a conference call and suddenly her office turns into Tiananmen Square. I know she was on a call, but there was a distinct possibility that a squirrel might be in our yard. I was just announcing that possibility.

Anyway, since the bipeds were gone, me and the other quadrupeds had arts and crafts night. The dark gray cat knitted an afghan.

Gunny worked on his embroidery.

And I decided to do a photo essay about the light gray cat. The only problem is, the female can't find the charger to the good camera, so I had to use her iPhone camera. I don't know how I can progress in my art under these conditions.

The light gray cat likes to get high. Daddy and the female say he is on drugs. I just think he likes the view from the top of the fridge. I call this shot "Jenny Craig Cat."

The light gray cat can also balance on top of doors.

And jump to the top of the useless cabinet behind the Motor Trend reading chair.

The light gray cat is my friend. He and I are training for the synchronized tummy rub-begging competition at the Olympics.

But Gunny ruins everything.

Plus, the light gray cat has a mind like a sieve.

I lIke Texans

Yesterday I went to the grocery store with the female. In Texas, dogs are allowed in grocery stores. They can also hold public office. I am very glad dogs are allowed in grocery stores because I wanted to make sure the female bought the right food. She's always buying stuff like carrots, and Daddy doesn't like carrots. The female should by food Daddy likes, but not potato chips because I ate a whole bunch of those once and threw up. So, she should buy food Daddy likes that I can eat too, like bacon, cat poop or an entire elk.

At the store, the female bought this magazine.
The check-out lady said, "You trying to be a Texan?" (except she talked funny so it was more like "Yu trii-eean' tu be uh Texan?").

"Yes," said the female.

"You should probably quit buying these."



Oh, Texans! I love you because even though you talk funny, you think the female is as dumb as I do!

FREE DYNA!

Because I ran away from the Female yesterday, I am On Punishment. I am a Bad Dog.

The only thing that sucks about being On Punishment is when Daddy says I am a Bad Girl and that Gunny is the Good Dog. That makes me sad. Otherwise, I have discovered that being a Bad Dog is kind of fun. Like yesterday? When the Female let me out? I ran from the backyard to the front yard, and she was yelling at me to come back, that we'd play ball, which is a LIE the Female uses when she wants to put me in the house. And I knew she couldn't play ball because I had the ball in my mouth, which makes the Female mad because when I have the ball she can't trick me into thinking she's going to play ball.

I only ran into the front yard because the ups man was there. I don't get the ups man. He's supposed to put things up, but only puts them down on the porch. Anyway, he was getting into his truck, so I thought I'd get in too. Then I had a better idea—the ups man could play ball with me! So I dropped my ball for him and he threw it, which was like the most awesome thing EVAR, OMFG, and then the bastard drove away. What can brown do for you? Apparently through the ball and leave. If the ups man ever comes to my house again, I am going to mess him up. He is not my homey.

By then the Female was yelling something at me and dragging Gunny into the house and I thought, "I'm getting too old for this shit." I'm three. I stay home alone. I've got a pilot's license. I should be able to explore my own damn street. And let me tell you, my street is pretty hardcore. Across the street is a house with a pool. That's a little pond that smells like the bathroom right after the Female cleans it. It looked pretty nice to me, so I swam in it. Then this dog came over and barked! At me! I ignored him. I had better things to do. I went to the next house and another dog came out. Then I went to the next house but those two stupid dogs were following me, and finally I ended up at another house where there were two dogs in a fence, and they were yelling at me. All the dogs were yelling at me and I was getting annoyed. How are you supposed to relax by the pool with a bunch of shrieking dogs around?

Them I heard something WORSE than the shrieking dogs. The female was calling me—and she had a ball. I am powerless before the ball, so I hightailed it up to her to get it. Maybe if the other dogs saw that I was a dog with ball—an important ball—they'd STFU. But then the Female put a leash on me. It was so embarrassing.

So now I have to wear a leash when we go outside, at least until we get a fence up. Last night the Female left my leash outside, and look who was on it this morning:

I am pretty sure that spider works for the ACLU.

Ridin' Dirty

Okay, so I know it has been a while since I posted and everyone wants to hear about Texas. Let me tell you: Texas is awesome but confusing. Like, our new yard? It has no fence, which is awesome. But when you run off because you're feeling free and unconstrained from not having a fence, jump in the neighbor's pool and get found standing in the road soaking wet a quarter mile from home, you get in trouble. Texas is tough.

First I have to tell you about how we got to Texas. The female says I have to thank my Uncle Brian, who helped get us the short bus we drove out here. She says uncle Brian works for hurts. Like most things the female says, this makes no sense. But because Uncle Brian works for hurts, we got a short bus. Sometimes I think the female is batshit. Anyway, here's our short bus.



Here's Daddy driving the short bus. You see us rolling. You be hating.


We were in the short bus forever! I am pretty sure we would have made it to Texas in like 15 minutes if Daddy hadn't let the female drive. But he does nice things for her so she doesn't know that she's totally useless. If he had let me drive, we would have been there in no time. Here I am in the back with all the stupid boys--and yes, even though the cats are cats, they're still nasty boys.

Daddy doesn't know this, but I am pretty sure the female got us lost. Daddy was taking a nap because he was tired from supporting the entire fandamily, so the female was driving. She drove through Tennis Sea, which is not a giant sea of tennis balls, so don't be disappointed when you get there. Anyway, I guess Tennis Sea was ending because the female made that "hmm" noise she makes when she's really confused, which is like all the time. Then she goes, "Honey, do you remember driving through Georgia on the last trip?" and Daddy didn't answer because he was sleeping, and she should learn to respect that. I wish I could have spanked her for bothering Daddy, but luckily he didn't wake up and the female kept making more and more confused noises, and I started to get happy because the female was going to get In Trouble. Then she went, "Whew. We're in Alabama." The dark gray cat said he thought that was the first time in human history those words had been spoken and laughed like the joke was really funny, but I don't get it.

So, despite the female being a total screw up, we made it to Texas. And the Lake! that the female told me about turns out to be really, really awesome. It's like I hoped Tennis Sea would be--you can swim in it and fetch tennis balls! We go there almost every day. Here is Gunny and Daddy at the lake.
That dog behind them is Mia. Mia says it's her lake. I think Mia is full of shit. Mia tried to hump Gunny and Gunny was all, "DO NOT WANT." The female says Gunny gets mad when other dogs hump him because he finds it emasculating. I am not sure what emasculating means, but I think it means "Gunny has a small penis and is sensitive about it."

This is me swimming in the lake. I am the best swimmer in all of Texas.

Anyhoo, I am going to try and post more regularly now. I was waiting to post because the female can't find the thingy that takes pictures from the camera and puts them on the computer. I told her to get off her lazy butt and find it, but she still hasn't. I had to drive myself to Target and put the pictures on CD to show these to you. If the female doesn't find the camera thingy soon and it interferes more with my blogging, I am sooo telling Daddy we were in Georgia. Then he will tell the female that she was a Bad Girl and maybe make her sleep on the floor and I can sleep with him. Then Texas will be perfect.