The Black Cat Changing Colors

Something really funny happened today. Not funny like when Gunston is napping and falls of the bed, but funny like that time Daddy was sick and I had to stay at Grandma's! and I didn't know what was going on.

It started a couple of weeks, or minutes, ago. The Dark Gray Cat was throwing up. That's pretty normal for Dark Gray Cat and awesome for Gunny and I because cat throw-up is an underappreciated delicacy. And we were getting a lot of it. I guess it was also good for Dark Gray Cat because he stopped being so fat which meant Daddy quit calling him Fatboy.

Anyway, the Female was gone all last week and it was awesome because I got Daddy all to myself, but the Dark Gray Cat kept throwing up. And yesterday the female took him to the vet and while she was there Daddy came home and then rushed right back out to the vet. Then the Female, Daddy and the Dark Gray cat all came home, but the Female was acting all weird. She was all snotty like she had allergies but she wasn't sneezing. And she seemed really sad.

Daddy explained to me that the Female was sad because the Dark Gray Cat was going to go to sleep tomorrow. And I was all, shows how dumb the Female is because I'm going to sleep tonight and there's nothing to be sad about! Daddy and the Female let the Dark Gray Cat sleep with them in their bed, and I thought maybe that was why the Female was sad because even though it has been a while since I slept with the Dark Gray Cat, I remember he was kind of annoying to sleep with.

In the morning I expected the Female to be happier because she wouldn't have to sleep with the Dark Gray Cat anymore, but she was still upset. So I told her to snap out of it. I mean, seriously -- the cat sleeps 23.5 hours a day. If you're going to be this sad about it we should stock up on Kleenex.

And then I learned that there are two different kinds of sleep.

See, there's sleeping, which you do every day and every night, where you flop down wherever you are, snore, fart and dream of rabbits but wake right up because Daddy is home or there is food to steal or because in your dream the rabbit you were chasing grew really big and had horns and was chasing YOU.

The other sleeping means you're broken and can't be fixed. The Female asked me if I remembered when I got really, really happy and wagged my tail so hard I smashed it into the corner of the wall and it broke. And I was all, Duuuurrr, I'm not stupid, of course I remember breaking my own tail. I've only done it three times. But when it was broken, it just hung there all sad and wouldn't wag and hurt a lot. The Female said the same thing happened to the Dark Gray Cat.

That kind of confused me, because if anyone had smashed the Dark Gray Cat into the wall, I am pretty sure I'd know about it because the Female would have killed whoever did it and she'd be in jail and I'd have Daddy all to myself.

The Female explained that the Dark Gray Cat got broken on the inside, in his kidney beans. Only no one knew about it because you can't see broken kidney beans like you can see a broken tail unless you look inside the Dark Gray Cat and no one wants to do that because ew, cat breath.

But because no one knew the Dark Gray Cat's kidney beans were broken, they kept getting more and more broken until no one could fix them. The Female said the Dark Gray cat was in a lot of pain, and the best thing for him was to stop the pain, so he was going to be put to sleep. That's the other kind of sleep. He won't get to dream of rabbits (or submarines, or what ever the hell cats dream of), but he will get to go to heaven where he'll get to see Wizard.

Then I was pissed. Because I really wanted to see the new Harry Potter movie too, and the Female wouldn't take me and spoiled it by telling me Snape kills Dumbledore, and if there are free showings in heaven, buy me a bus ticket. But the Female was talking about a different Wizard.

That's when I learned a lot about the Female and the Dark Gray Cat. It turns out that they knew each other for a long, long time -- like 15 minutes, or 20 years. The Female told me that she knew the Dark Gray Cat -- who, get this! is named Newton. Who knew cats had names? -- before she knew Daddy. Which means she knew Newton before time began.

The Female and Newton moved in together right after the Female finished college (that's like obedience school for people, but there's beer and wine coolers). Newton was just a baby and the Female got him at an animal shelter and took him home. Newton had two secrets: the first one was that he had ringworm and was going to give it to the Female and her friend Meghan. The other secret was that he was going to make sure that the time they spent together was wonderful.

It turns out I didn't know a lot about Newton -- like his name. But I also didn't know that he liked to swim. When he had ringworm the Female had to give him baths, and to make it fun for him she'd put tuna in the water, and he'd paddle around and eat it (they don't even let you do that at Elisabeth Arden). So that's why he always liked water and would hang out in the shower. I don't think that explains why Newton used to watch Grandpa shower, but really, nothing explains that.

Newton moved from Virginia to Delaware with the Female -- it was just the two of them and they shared an apartment. It was the first time the Female had lived without another human, but Newton made it okay. And the Female was in Graduate School (which is like EXTRA obedience school because she is DUMB) and Newton helped her with that by sitting on whatever book she needed to read and walking across her computer keyboard.

And get this! Our house in Delaware? The Female and Newton bought it together -- they still hadn't met Daddy yet. But with Newton's help the Female got all her money together. Newton was two and she was 24, and they were home owners. I'm four and I only have a collar, a leash and two balls. Gunny has no balls. Heh.

Newton helped the Female run marathons. A marathon is a really long walk. It's so long that you have to practice for it, and you have to practice for it by talking lots of shorter walks as fast as you can. I always thought I was the Female's personal trainer since I take her running, but Newton always made sure she stretched, and would help her stretch by clawing at her feet. Then she'd have to stretch down and swat him away.

While it was just them in Delaware, they had lots of adventures. Since the Female didn't have Daddy to come home to, she'd go out a lot at night and when she got home Newton would transform into his alter-ego: Drunk Cat. Drunk Cat is vengeance in cat form. For every drunk person the Female messed with in college, Drunk Cat would mess with her while she was drunk in Delaware. One time, Drunk Cat took it too far. The Female was drunk and Drunk Cat kept hopping on her stomach. So she went to the bathroom and started to throw food in the toilet WITH HER MOUTH. And Drunk Cat was all "Stop wasting food!" and jumped in front of her and the food went all over him.

Did you know humans can throw up too? That was the last time Newton played Drunk Cat.

The night the Female met Daddy she went home and told Newton all about him. When he called her up and asked her on a date, she was petting Newton. And when the female figured out that she loved Daddy, she told Newton before she told Daddy.

When Daddy and the Female brought me home, the Female says Newton was pissed. I can't imagine why.

But the Female felt so bad about getting me that she convinced Daddy to go get Newton a friend -- that's why we got the Light Gray Cat. Newton and the Light Gray Cat were pretty good buddies, but I still think he liked the Female best. And she's a bad enough person to admit that, even though you're supposed to love all your pets the same, Newton was always the most special to her, because he helped her grow up so much. And last week the Female turned 30, so it's kind of fitting that Newton leave now, even though she wishes more than anything that he could be around for the next phase of her life. But, every time she thinks back on what it was like to be just starting out, and having a world of possibilities open before her, she'll think of him.

Anyway, Newton and the Female know a whole bunch of pets I've never even met (they don't know Marley -- I asked). Like they know this dog, Norman, who used to live with Grandma! but did the special sleep and is in heaven, and this other cat, Wizard, who Newton liked to imitate when he was little. It is hard to imagine a little Newton.

The Female says that they are going to be up there in heaven together, and if I ever get broken on the inside (which won't happen for a really long time) Newton will introduce them to me. So that'll be cool. And we'll all hang out there, eating steak and tuna and playing until Daddy and the Female get there. Then we'll all be together forever and go swimming everyday.

But it's okay to be sad until then, because it will be a while until we'll see Newton, and we'll miss him.

So, goodbye Newton the Dark Gray Cat. Thank you for not being too mean to me when I was a puppy. The Female isn't my favorite person, but I know she was yours so Gunny and I will look out for her until we meet up. Until then, please do not eat all the steak.

Today's Lesson.

So it was cool enough today for me to take the female running. Here's a play about what happened:

Dyna and Female: (run along road)

Dyna: I need to stop. I need to poop.

Female: Okay.

Dyna: Watch this! I am going to poop on this fire ant hill!

Female: Don't poop on the fire ant hill. Poop somewhere else.

Dyna: No! If I don't get to poop right in this spot, I'll never poop anywhere, EVER AGAIN.

Female: Fine. Poop there. See what happens.

Dyna: (poops)

Fire Ants: AAUUGH! The monster rains poop from above! ATTACK!

Dyna: Ow! They're biting me! Thrashing around will certainly help!

Fire Ants: The monster seeks to destroy the mound! Fight harder!

Female: (grabs Dyna and tosses her in puddle)

Curtain

The moral of the story is: Don't poop on fire ant hills.

Dyna 2.0

Check it: Thanks to AMC (who is teh awesome, OMFG), the female gave me a twitter account. That way, I can update everyone on my daily life with my iPhone while she works on the computer. My tweets will show up here (actually, over there----------------------------------->),
or you can follow them at http://twitter.com/dynadeaton. I'll still do longer blog postings, but this way you can get more Dyna. And more Dyna means more happy.

This lady says dogs can't tweet. I'm thinking dogs can't resist biting her.

3 questions and Congrats

One of the things I like about having a blog is that not only can I talk to everyone but they can also talk to me. Sometimes it's tough to tell if the voices are coming from the internet or my head. Anyway, I thought I'd take this post to answer a couple of questions I have gotten—I am pretty sure they came from people who read this blog. If you have a question you can email me at dyna.dookie@gmail.com and I will answer it. Maybe.

1. Why is Gunny's last name Shultz?

Because he is adopted. DUH.

Okay, Gunny's last name is Shultz not only because he is adopted but also because the Female is a big believer in animals having last names. What a freak. I am the only one in the family that has the same last name as Daddy (even the Female has a different last name, which is just proof I love him more than she does). I love my last name because with my first and middle names, my initials spell DAD, and Daddy is my true love.

But Gunny is named after a Gunny Daddy knew in the Marine Corps. I don't know if that Gunny was a Rotteiler too—I don't think so because that Gunny was kind of like Daddy's boss and Daddy doesn't let our Gunny boss him around at all. But what's weird is that our Gunny is technically named after this Gunny Shultz, but our Gunny's real name is Gunston. That's because the Female is such a nerd and drags Daddy to dorky historical things, and they both liked visiting Gunston Hall. But if Gunny is named after Gunston Hall, his last name should be Hall, right? I'm confused too. I blame the Female.

2. You don't really have a car, do you?

Yes I do, bitches. You know you're jealous. Check out my whip. I have mad driving skills.

My ride is solid gold because I am really into bling. What sucks is I do have to share it with the other pets, but no one but me is allowed to drive. I'm sick of driving the cats to their secret meetings, though.

The cats want me to thank Hannah and Charlie for the "OH HAI!" sticker the female MADE me put on my car. I don't even know who Hannah and Charlie ARE but our cats told me to tell them, "Stay strong, sisters. Our hour is nigh." Cats are so weird. We only have cats because the female was a crazy lonely spinster cat lady before Daddy took pity on her.

3. Who's a pretty girl?

I am! Check me with my mums.

4. I am also supposed to say congratulations to Erin, who just turned one. Great job Erin! I remember when I turned one. It was awesome. I am also supposed to say congratulations to Steve and Meghan, who had a baby. Good for you guys! Way to procreate! I don't really know what's entailed in all that since I was forcibly sterilized, but good for you two. Way to not be neutered.

Dog Debate

Today is a historic day for dog bloggers everywhere (or just me) because today we are going to talk politics. A couple of weeks (or two hours) ago, the Female bought Gunny and me these buttons.

They are awesome! You can get ones just like them at thedogcoatlady's store on etsy. Anyway, I wore my button proudly, but as soon as the Female left the house, Gunny took his off. And he doesn't have thumbs, so that took some doing. It turns out Gunny doesn't like Obama—Gunny thinks John McCain should be president! Gunny also thinks the rubber red bone is his (AND IT ISN'T), but that's a different blog post.

Gunny and I have been fighting about politics ever since, and to resolve it, we decided to have a debate on the Dookie Patrol blog. When we asked the Female if we could have a debate on the blog, she said something about how two dogs debating politics could only raise the level of discourse in Smith County, and then she compared arguing on the internet with running in the Special Olympics, but I forgot exactly what she said. Anyway, the Female is weird, as usual, but she said we could. Here's the first internet presidential debate with canine surrogates. I get to go first.

Why I think Barack Obama Should Be President

By Dyna Anne Deaton

There are a lot of things wrong with the country today. People are looking at their 401(k) statements the same way they look at piddle stains on the carpet. And like people who have piddle on their carpet, they are looking from dog to dog, trying to assign blame, even though ONE dog hasn't peed on the carpet for YEARS and only did it that one time because she was really, really sick and didn't know that the house was being put on the market the next day. The other dog, however, just peed on the floor in front of the people a few days ago. Don't be fooled—if you want to know who caused your problems, look to the dog who most recently peed on the floor. That dog is the Republican Party, and John McCain answers to that dog.

Now, they don't want to just pee on the floor, they want to do twosies on it too. Barack Obama is about change. Not just changing where we pee, but about good change that will benefit the most people and their dogs.

I support Barack Obama because his healthcare plan will help people who can't get health insurance. I understand that because I don't have health insurance, and it is really expensive every time I go to the doctor, even if all they do if shove a thermometer up my butt. But people need thermometers shoved up their butts too, and that costs a lot of money. The Obama health plan would be very good for human puppies because it would get more of them health insurance, and that's good because I remember going to the vet a lot when I was a puppy and that was not cheap.

Even though Obama isn't all that experienced, he is very smart. He went to a good school (though not as good as my obedience school) and he worked really hard while there and went to a good law school too. He was smart enough to pick Joe Biden to be Vice President. I love Joe Biden because he is from Delaware and I am from Delaware too. Delaware gets no respect, but if Joe Biden were Vice President, maybe people would quit pushing Delaware around and complaining about the tolls they charge there when there is a PERFECTLY SIMPLE route through Newark that avoids the tolls and if you weren't so lazy, you wouldn't have to pay another toll in Delaware EVER, so SHUT YOUR YAP.

I make under $250,000 a year, so my taxes won't go up in an Obama administration. Also, Barack sounds kind of like "bark" so you know he is pro-dog.

I am also worried that if Sarah Palin because vice president she would start aerial hunting of Labradors. I am also worried that a McCain administration would infringe on abortion rights. I am lucky to have been a wanted Labrador, but there are a lot of puppies who are born just to end up in shelters and if a dog doesn't want to have a litter of puppies she shouldn't have to. We need to protect her right to sell those puppies or not to have them at all—especially since dogs can't buy condoms.

Finally, he doesn't say it, but I know Obama supports gay rights and that means maybe one day if people let gay people get married they could think about letting dogs marry people and then I could marry my Daddy, Barack Obama would be president, and life would be perfect.

Why I Think John McCain Should be President

By Gunston Theodor Shultz

No presidential candidate has sacrificed as much for his country as John McCain has, that means John McCain has done a lot of hard stuff and he's done it all for the country, not himself. As a military veteran, I applaud and respect John McCain and know he has the leadership skills to take the U.S. through this hard time, that means he'll tell us what to do and be right about it.

Okay, Mommy just reminded me that even though everyone calls me Gunny, I am not serving, nor have I ever served in the military. Just because I am named after a Gunnery Sergeant doesn't mean I am a Gunnery Sergeant. I forget that sometimes because at my heart I know I am a DEVIL DOG and ready to GET SOME, SEMPER FI!!!

Anyway, Barack Obama has a lot of ideas about what he can do for the country, and what the country can do for you. That is wrong. He wants to take stuff away from hardworking dogs and give it to dogs that don't work as hard. Like if there is a red rubber bone and you want that bone, you have to go get it, even if it means fighting for a really long time with a certain Labrador and waiting until you have a 30 pound weight advantage over her to just take the bone. That's what America is about: getting bigger and stronger than everyone else then using that to take whatever you want. But even if you won that bone fair and square in an epic game of tug, Obama wants to walk right in and take that bone and give it to the Labrador just because she's smaller than you and because that somehow makes the game of tug unfair. Let me tell you, the rubber bone isn't the only thing that's red in that scenario. Obama will take bones from big dogs and give them to little dogs and that's COMMUNISM.

John McCain understands the best way to make the economy work is to get out of the way and let businesses create jobs. It's like this: if the people make money, then they buy food and bones and leashes and balls for dogs and then it's like the dogs have some of that money too. If the government steps in and taxes the people's money then they will have less money to spend on their dogs, or worse the government might start telling people what kind of dogs they can have or what kind of food they can give the dogs and then the people will buy less stuff for the dogs and it will be like no one has any money. If you let the people keep their money, it will trickle down to the dogs and that will grow the economy.

Barack Obama doesn't even HAVE a dog, so I don't know why Dyna thinks he is pro dog. I heard he is allergic to dogs.

Barack Obama won't keep the country safe, that means he will let our enemies attack us because he is weak and people will think we are all weak too. He says he will sit down and talk to Iran. Everyone knows that if someone is making you mad you don't talk to them---you show them who is boss. Like there are these dogs who are always coming into my yard and pooping and I don't talk to them. I would go and mess those bitches up if only the U.N. (or Mommy) would let me and so you know that John McCain wouldn't let Iran poop in our yard and if he caught Iran pooping in our yard he'd go right out, leash or no leash, and fix them.

So if you want to keep your bones and not have Iran poop in your yard, vote John McCain.

A Fair Is a Veritable Smogasbord

When Daddy and the Female said September was fair month, I was all excited because I thought that meant that I would get to eat whatever they eat (including sausage) because, to be fair we all have to eat the same thing. It turns out I was wrong and Daddy and the Female are the most unfair, elitist scrooges ever. They will eat sausages right in front of you and not give you any no matter what month it is.

Anyway, we started out by going to the East Texas State Fair, which was right here in Tyler. It was so embarrassing. The Female wore a blue shirt, khakis and ballet flats. She's so stupid. Everyone knows that fairs are about judging produce, quilts and rednecks, not who can look like a refugee from the J Crew catalog. She should know that when you go to a fair, you should wear camouflage, in case you suddenly have to go hunting.

Or overalls, in case you suddenly turn into a three year old.



At the fair, there was a lot to eat, and most of the food came from Daddy's favorite food group: fried. You could get a nice entree.

Be healthy by eating your veggies.


And even have dessert (with choice of toppings, including Crestor).


We got deep fried Oreos. Actually, only Daddy and the Female got deep fried Oreos, because we were at the East Texas State Unfair.

They told me that if I was hungry, I could go catch myself some beef. Bitches.


But the little girls who were with the beef scared me. They look little, but they had giant sticks that they were poking the beef with. I didn't want them to poke me.



The creepiest thing was at the State Fair in Dallas, though. There they have this giant monster cowboy named Big Tex. Uncle Bacon said it was really awesome, and that I would like seeing it.

He didn't say it had moobs.

The Wrath of Bob Barker

Sorry I haven't posted in a little while. It turns out that I was at Grandma's! house. I don't really remember going to Grandma's! house, but her house is so much fun you black out, so that must have been what happened.

What I do remember is the Female being gone for a long time, and I started to get really excited because I thought maybe she was gone for good and Daddy would let me on the bed to sleep with him and I would get my own car instead of having to share with Gunny and I would get to eat from a plate like Daddy does too. But then the Female came back and she smelled like Grandma's! house and I got really excited that she smelled like Grandma's! and but also mad because I wanted to go to Grandma's! too. Then the Female and Daddy started saying we all went to Grandma's! and didn't I remember going? I don't really remember it, but I guess I could have gone because going to Grandma's! is so much fun. I am really glad I got to go. It made me not miss Grandma! so much.

Once we got back from Grandma's! there was a big storm. This just proves that Bob Barker hates it when we're far from Grandma, because he controls the weather. It was really windy and really rainy. Gunny and I decided we needed to keep a close eye on the weather, so we asked to go out every 15 minutes. Then we stood in the yard, taking measurements. It looked like we were staring off into space, but we were really taking measurments. We were going to log on to make our report to the Weather Channel, when the power went out. This was awesome because it meant that the Female and Daddy stopped watching the TV and computer and started paying attention to Gunny and me. Sometimes it isn't good to have the people pay attention to you when the power is out, because they notice you're out and about and they lock you up so they can go upstairs and do married things. I don't know what they are doing when they do married things. I assume they are going to Home Depot, but they usually go upstairs to do married things and I haven't seen a Home Depot up there, and I've been looking.

The power stayed off for so long that the Female and Daddy ran out of married things to do. We all went to bed and the power was still off when we got up. And then, Daddy and the Female got stupid. Now, you know I love Daddy, but sometimes I think the time he spends with the female makes him a little slow. The people got up to brush their teeth, and found out the the water was off. They were a little bit upset. I don't know why. Everyone knows that the water that comes INTO the house is BATH water and baths are BAD. I was really, really happy that the bath water couldn't get into the house. Daddy and the Female weren't, though. Weirdos. Besides, there is a GIANT LAKE across the street. We had plenty of water. Daddy and the Female are just silly sometimes.

Anyway, the power and the water came on later in the day, which was good because we got to watch the Steelers game. I love the Steelers.